Grubbing Peons of Twitter, Bow Down to Your #TwitRelief Masters!

Twit isn't quite the first word that springs to mind


Comic Relief is a good cause. Helping the kids and all that. But has their ill-judged #twitrelief campaign turned the tide of public opinion against them?

Forgoing the usual bath of beans, the Comic Relief organisers have found a new way for the great and the good to demean themselves for charity. By talking to dirty, pointless scrubbers like you.

#TwitRelief Isn’t What Twitter’s About

Ok, maybe that isn’t quite fair. It’s not explicitly worded that you’re a dirty, pointless scrubber, but it is heavily implied. By donating money to Comic Relief, you win the chance of having a genuine shiny celebrity (like rent-a-tool Piers Morgan) validating your existence. Win the auction, and someone like Stephen Fry will follow you on Twitter, RT ONE of your tweets and then drop you like a sack of so much grubby common excrement after their 90 day charity penance is up.

Glossing over the fact that millionaires asking average wage earners to donate on their behalf sticks in my craw, is this really what Twitter is about? The masses scrabbling in the dirt until someone who’s been on TV tosses a casual grunt their way?

No. It’s not. It’s about sharing information and ideas. So rather than shrieking at the egotists, why don’t you donate some money to a worthy cause independently, then follow someone interesting?

And if you engage them in conversation, these people will probably follow you back for more than 90 days.

Never Mind #Twitrelief – Here’s Some Genuinely Good ‘Normal’ People To Follow

A Slimmer, (marginally) Funnier James Corden – @ramb085

He’s not as funny as he thinks he is and he desperately wants Rio Ferdinand to like him. So there’s really no difference between Adam Ramsden and James Corden. With one slight exception; Adam’s brand of surreal accidental humour won’t make you stab yourself in the ear drums.


An Actress Who Won’t Throw a Diva Strop – @missdaubs

Alright, she’s never been in anything good, but Gemma Daubney is technically an actress. And she’s amusing. And she’ll follow you back at the slightest provocation.

A Writer Who ReTweets All and Sundry – @tomcopy

Tom Albrighton loves to RT. Well, he’s the person who RTs my blog posts more than any other – so surely that’s worth a punt. Just don’t give him a reason to talk about the Norwich Ninja.

An Actual Groundbreaking Tweeter – @pauljchambers

Everyone claims there was no Twitter before Stephen Fry. That’s a lie. But nobody was arrested for tweeting before Paul Chambers, who actually spends more time chatting about Leeds United than ridiculous legal decisions.

A Politico Who’s Never Fiddled His Expenses – @ralphferrett

You can bid for John Prescott to follow you on #TwitRelief. John Prescott. Given that you complained about Labour watching your every move on CCTV, wouldn’t you be better off following someone nearer to the grass roots? A Plymouth-supporting trade unionist perhaps?

A Shameless Self-Promoted Who ISN’T Kryten – @Mr603

Everyone I know who followed Robert Llewellyn unfollowed him due to the amount of spam he churns out about Carpool and suchlike. Despite repeated threats, said same people haven’t unfollowed me for shamelessly plugging Unmemorable Title. Therefore I’m a better choice than #TwitRelief’s BobbyLlew.

If you want to put yourself up for consideration, tell us why people should follow you in the comments section below.

Unless you’re Piers Morgan. Then you can just sling your hook.

1 Comment comments for "Grubbing Peons of Twitter, Bow Down to Your #TwitRelief Masters!"

  1. Rhys says:

    It’s one thing that proper fucks me off about Comic Relief, as it suggests this is the hierarchy of the world:

    – Celebrities
    – The Great Unwashed
    – People who (Genuinely) need our help.

    The top category of people are really amazing people who can do amazing things. Like waterski across the channel or climb Mount Killaminjaro on their hands. You can’t do it. Because you’re not a Slebrity. Susan Boyle couldn’t, and now she can scale the north face of Everest because she’s now a Celebrity.

    It’s not the fact they have access to the best teams and infinite time to do it. Oh no.

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