Why Tweeters Can't Be Beggars

Hey, I really want to get to 500 followers by lunchtime and I’m only on 327. Please RT this and help me!

@DesperateTweeter

It’s been a rare day this week that I’ve not seen a tweet very similar to the above crop up in my feed. Someone’s decided they need to acquire an arbitrary round number of followers within a very specific timeframe, and somehow me ReTweeting that desperate plea will help that target be reached.

Well I’m not going to ReTweet that despairing squeal of yours. Because it’s going to do you far more harm than good.

Twitter’s All About Marketing

That’s why marketers and self-obsessed sportswomen love it so much. It’s also why a desperate plea for followers won’t work. Even on a platform like Twitter, time is at a premium. There are only so many updates a person can read, and a finite number of people that they can or will follow. So when they come to decide on whether to follow you, what will they see?

RT: @DesperateTweeter: OMG, please ask your friends to follow me! I’ve only got a handful of followers, and I need loads!

They see someone desperate, who isn’t very good at networking, and who doesn’t seem to offer any benefits whatsoever to the people who choose to follow them.

You’re not going to get any followers, but you might get blocked a few times.

Selling Yourself On Twitter

Just to clarify, I don’t mean turning tricks for tweets. That’s an unhygienic and unsustainable business model. But I digress.

If you want more Twitter followers, there are really only three ways to attract them. And all three ways involve hard work:

1. Be funny. Everyone loves a comic, and everyone loves ReTweeting comedic tweets. If you’ve just tweeted the most hilarious joke known to man, it’s going to spread like wildfire, and people are going to follow you in droves. After that, it’s all a matter of keeping them interested (which is a lot like entertaining dinner party guests).
2. Be authoritative. Not everyone can be funny. But if you’re worth following, you should be authoritative. Dispense wisdom, spread knowledge and write insightful blog posts. The more you do, the more your tweets will be passed around. And the more followers you’ll attract. Just don’t forget to leave your Twitter address in your posts!
3. Be famous. If you’re not famous yet, try sleeping with a footballer or something. That tends to work.

Shortcuts to Popularity

If all of that sounds a little bit too much like hard work, there is a shortcut to getting those followers you crave. Simply send the following tweet:

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Congratulations. You’ll now be up to your ankles in bots, and have that ridiculously high number of followers you’ve been craving. Now all you need to do is sit around and wonder why you wanted a huge number of followers in the first place.