Taking Aim at the Festive Adverts

I had to, I suppose. Every year this happens. Every year, the big creative agencies wheel out their awards bait and dullards on Twitter go in for a brown-nosing session about how this year’s sack of schmaltz represents a transition to a caring, people-focused blah blah blah.

Sorry. Even I got bored there.

Let’s cut to the heart of this. Here’s the big festive adverts. Here’s what marketers think you’ll think when you see them. And here’s what you’ll probably think.

Oh. And if you’re expecting John Lewis and Bobby the Boxer or whatever he’s called to pop up on this list. Nope. Tom Albrighton’s got you covered, as does my new favourite sweary blog, but I don’t play that game.Not after what they did to Oasis last year.

A Professional Analysis of 2016’s Christmas Adverts

Tesco – Bring It On

What it is: A smug shrug of the shoulders because Tesco knows November’s a bit early, ho ho, but it gets earlier every year doesn’t it, eh?

What they want you to think: “Wow! Tesco really understands my problems. I too think Christmas comes earlier every year. I also have an embarrassing relative. Tesco really understands me because we’re mates, not just because these are the most obvious and all-encompassing festive complaints.”

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away.”

Sainsbury’s – The Greatest Gift

What it is: Three minutes of self-indulgent bilge with no call to action, no product placement and no value proposition.

@603Copywriting quicker just to say it’s total shit.

— Will Atkinson (@Willatkinson10) November 14, 2016

What they want you to think: “Wow, Sainsbury’s is so confident in the quality of their products that they’d rather tell me I’m great than go on about how great they are. I can’t wait to go to Sainsbury’s and buy the inevitable tie-in merch! Especially because James Corden is involved, and he’s not an irritating smug arsehole.”

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away.”

 

Aldi – Kevin the Carrot

What it is: An irritating carrot meeting Father Christmas, after wandering past all the great looking cheap spuds, cheap wine and cheap mince pies that Aldi sells.

What they want you to think: “Aldi’s great value. None of that cheap food looks cheap. I reckon we can get away with Aldi prosecco this year. I really won’t think about the supposed protagonist of this advert being fed to a reindeer the next morning as a result of living his dreams, and the bleak message that gives off.”

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away.”

 

Morrisons – Christmas Makes It

What it is: Some precocious nerd answers a load of trivia questions with a vaguely Christmassy theme, before we find out that he’s been training for post-lunch boardgames this whole year! Bait and switch city!

What they want you to think: “I too had a dad who cheated at every single boardgame when we grew up. Maybe if I go to Morrisons the kindly staff in the faux butchers stall will train my kid to reverse thirty years of festive failure. Oh, and isn’t it nice that we get to pretend people use traditional butchers and have traditional Christmases?”

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away.”

 

M&S – Christmas from love with Mrs Claus

What it is: A sassy middle class, middle aged Mrs Claus is the real powerhouse this Christmas, as she shows the inept bearded tosser how to get it done by spreading sibling love and munching on expensive pastries. Also, she’s got a helicopter even though her husband’s slumming it on a sledge.

What they want you to think: “As a sassy middle class, middle aged woman who’s clearly this family’s powerhouse, I will single-handedly save Christmas. Because much like in ad land, men in the real world are inevitably incompetent dickheads who forget to buy presents or go to Australia. Also, I own a helicopter too, so I can afford to drop £50 on an M&S mince pie.”

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away.”

 

Lidl – #LidlSurprises Christmas Turkey

What it is: A Lidl customer does a shift on a turkey farm, and then the farmer invites her to a party.

What they want you to think: “Look how wholesome those Lidl turkeys are. I guess cheap turkey doesn’t mean animal cruelty, which is nice.”

What you actually think: “OH MY GOD SHE SPENT ALL DAY MAKING FRIENDS WITH TURKEYS AND THEN THERE WAS A PARTY AND ALL HER NEW FRIENDS ARE DEAD!”

 

There we go, done and dusted. See you all same time next year to see discuss John Lewis’s Colin the Canary cavorting on a unicycle backed by a lift music cover of The Cardigans.

Or not.

(How We’d Have Done It)

John Lewis spent around £7m on their Christmas advert. This is what Chris from Pine and I would’ve done with that budget for a big supermarket:

After ranting about self-indulgent festive ads, @craftedbypine helped me craft an alternative for @Tesco. They should’ve used it. pic.twitter.com/ZK5s9nhNm7

— 603 Copywriting (@603Copywriting) November 23, 2016

If you like it, RT it. Maybe it’ll save us from a shower of shite next year.