Taking Aim at the Festive Adverts, Again

It’s that time of year folks. The creative agencies have wheeled out another wheelbarrow of formulaic awards bait, and this year the Twitter dullards are brown-nosing the big purple monster or whatever schmaltz John Lewis have done in 2017. (I don’t cover John Lewis in these round-ups. I leave it to Adturds. See last year’s post for details)

Of course, it wouldn’t be Christmas if I didn’t have a pop at all this nonsense. So here we go.

A Professional Analysis of 2017’s Christmas Adverts

Tesco -Turkey, Every Which Way

What it is: A far less smug effort than last year that actually resonates by showing that all of us (even black people, brown people and gay people) have that bit on Christmas day when your mum’s waving a carving knife and your brother’s already six gins deep.

What they want you to think: “Wow! Tesco really understands that Christmas is one of those universally stressful times but it’s all worth it in the end because we get to have a turkey butty and watch Doctor Who.”

What the right wing press and Twitter eggs think: “SIKH AND DESTROY! TESCO MAKES CHRISTMAS A GAY OLD TIME WITH A MULTI-CULTI ADVERT IN WHICH MUSLAMICS AND THE GAYS(tm) TAKE OVER CHRISTMAS.”

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away. Although going to Tesco might piss off the racists.”

Sainsbury’s – #everybitofChristmas

What it is: A really fun, catchy little ditty that I’m finding it hard to hate, not just because it’s yet more evidence that my wife is wrong and A Muppets’ Christmas Carol is the perfect Christmas movie.

What they want you to think: “Wow! Sainsbury’s really understands that Christmas is packed with those universally odd little things like watching old sitcom re-runs, eating too much cheese and making a pillock of myself singing at office parties.”

What an actual human being with a YouTube account says when they saw *gasp* a black person on the telly: “Absolutely horrible!!! You are ALL trying to top one another with this brainwashing PC CRAP and it just isn’t working!! ????.”

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away. Although I’m probably going to be humming that “every bit of this” refrain until Easter. And maybe Sainsbury’s will help me stick it to the racists.”

Aldi  – Kevin the Carrot (Episode II)

What it is: An irritating carrot returns and walks past a load of cheap Aldi food to meet a girl carrot before making a rubbish pea joke.

What they want you to think: “Aldi’s still great value. None of that cheap food looks cheap. I reckon we can get away with Aldi prosecco again this year. I really won’t think about the supposed protagonist of this advert being peeled alive, diced and boiled, and the bleak message that gives off.”

What idiots are paying for £2.99 Kevin the Carrot toys on eBay: 300 quid, according to the MEN. THREE HUNDRED POUNDS. That’d buy you 364.6 kilograms of Chantenay carrots from Aldi.

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away. I’m not spending hundreds of pounds on a plush carrot though.”

Morrisons – Morrisons Christmas Advert 2017

What it is: A small girl does her Christmas play and celebrates with a gluten-free mince pie.

What they want you to think: “Morrisons really understand the challenges of raising a small child with gastric distress and dreams of being an actor. I’m so charmed that I’ll forget stage to mince pie is a total non sequitur and I won’t even ask if they’ve got stuff with gluten in for those of us who can metabolise things other than cardboard.”

What another YouTube user who might actually be Joseph Goebbels says: “A Christmas advert with actual references to Christianity and free from degenerate racemixing propaganda? Shocking.”

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away. And I need an excuse to not go to that bloody nativity play this year. Shame that Morrisons won’t let me get right up the nose of the racists.”

M&S – M&S Presents Paddington & The Christmas Visitor

What it is: A hackneyed movie tie-in to promote the new Paddington film and make you buy expensive M&S marmalade.

What they want you to think: “Paddington reminds me of my childhood and is a British institution – wow, so is M&S! I’ll have to go and stock up on M&S food after I’ve been to see Paddington Two – in cinemas now.”

What AdTurds says that sums up the sheer falseness of this advert: “There’s more cash been spunked on this than fake snow.”

What you actually think: “I’ll go to the supermarket that’s nearest to my house unless there’s a special offer on beer/turkey/wine/cake/gin at somewhere slightly further away. I probably won’t bother going watching that Paddington film though, because Star Wars is out very soon.”

Argos – Ready for Takeoff

What it is: A high concept action movie advert which suggests that Father Christmas’ North Pole workshop is some kind of horrible polar Argos stockroom where underpaid and underappreciated workers toil against frostbite while the bosses drive really nice flying cars.

What they want you to think: “Argos is so synonymous with Christmas that each bleak Argos shop with decaying frontage and those grim little betting shop pens is really Santa’s workshop in miniature. There’s nothing says Christmas like an Argos catalogue.”

What my mate Mike the Argos stockroom not-elf says: “I’ve not seen the advert. Please don’t put that horrible picture of me with a hangover in your blog post.”

What you actually think: “HOLY SHIT LOOK AT THAT BALD ELF WITH THE HAUNTING EYES! IS THAT WHAT ARGOS STOCKROOM WORKERS REALLY LOOK LIKE? THAT’S TERRIFYING”

What non-bald, non-elven Argos stockroom workers really look like: 

Nostalgic for Christmases past? Let’s go all the way back to 2016 when I took aim at the festive adverts for the very first time.